To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

*******

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:

**************
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets.

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short and hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

**************

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
1.  They eat less
2.  They don't ask for money all the time
3.  They are easier to train
4.  They usually come when called
5.  They never drive your car
6.  They don't hang out with drug-using friends
7.  They don't smoke or drink
8.  They don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9.  They don't wear your clothes
10. They don't need a gazillion dollars for college
AND
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.